OUR HERO RETURNS from a prolonged period of radio silence, still sans sensational images, a result of Honduras' internet infrastructure's molasses-based medium. With download speeds varying frequently from online-gaming-compatible down to the-Semaphore-killer, I've yet to need the Spanish words for "download" and "upload" -- though my mastery of the more colorful profanities is progressing nicely. My acquisition of domestic wireless internet is yet hampered by the Honduran conception of time, in which "now" translates to "someday" and "right now" is closer to "someday, maybe, if I remember, and feel like it."
Such problems were formerly ameliorated in part by Pizza Hut's free-wireless internet, recently renamed Pizza Hut's internet-free wireless. When the extent of your staff's combined IT knowledge consists of -- well, let me spell it out a different way.
POKE IT AGAIN, ROBERTO
being a new Play in One Part, by K. Thomas, writer of the mildly sensational You Have Beard.
Dramatis Personae
Keith....................1st Laptop Owner / Gringo Misanthrope
Theresa.................2nd Laptop Owner / Gringo Stoic
Jose......................Pizza Hut Employee # 1
Juan ....................Pizza Hut Employee # 2
Roberto................Pizza Hut Employee # 3 / IT Professional / Broomsman
Ana......................Mopswoman / Understudy Broomswoman
Jimbo..................(if applicable)
Setting: A Pizza Hut in Puerto Cortes. In a booth, two Gringos sit with laptops opposed. An employee watches over their shoulders, observing the Gringo in its native environment a la Jane Goodall.
The employee decides to engage the strange creatures.
Jose, in Spanish: You are using the internet?
Keith, in 'Spanish': Yes, yes, we use the internet.
Jose, nodding sagely: Many Gringos come here to use the internet. And then they buy pizza. Such is the way of things.
Keith: Yes, internet. We like internet. Is very good!
Theresa: It’s off again. [munches salad]
Keith: What? Are you sure?
Theresa, stoically: Yes. [continues munching.]
Keith: Excuse me, but the internet is not functioning.
Jose: What? Are you sure?
Keith: Yes. Look!
Jose leans in for a look at the error page.
Keith: Yes?
Jose, leaning back: That’s not good. I’ll get someone.
Keith: Thanks.
Jose returns, with Juan
Jose: Is it working yet?
Keith: …. no.
Juan: What? Are you sure?
Keith: Look!
Juan: That’s not supposed to happen.
Jose, triumphant: That’s what I thought.
Juan: I’ll get somebody for internet.
Keith: Thanks?
Juan returns, with Roberto
Juan: Is it working yet?
Jose: I don’t know.
Roberto: Is what working?
Keith, a little impatiently: Nope, still nothing.
Theresa, having finished her salad, eyes Keith’s.
Roberto, looking at the screen: Hey, your computer’s not working.
Keith: No, no, the internet isn’t working. It’s off, I mean.
Roberto: What? Are you sure?
Keith: Listen, can you just… re-… re-begin it?
Juan: Yeah, it should be restarted!
Jose: Oh, it should definitely be restarted.
Roberto, nodding: No question.
Pleased, the three smile at each other. Near the salad bar, a woman begins mopping.
Keith, making to stand: So, can I just –
Roberto: No, no, I’ll do it.
Keith, sitting: Thanks.
Roberto goes into the back.
Jose: Sometimes this happens a lot.
Keith: Sometimes… a lot?
Juan: Yeah, the internet is pretty good here. You want a refill?
Roberto returns.
Roberto: It is on the ceiling.
Keith: What?
Roberto: The internet is on the ceiling.
Keith: ... are you sure?
Juan: You have to poke it. With... something...
Juan espies the Ana, the mopswoman.
Juan: Aha!
Roberto: Yes, good!
Roberto grabs the mop from Ana, and starts walking towards the back.
Ana: Hey! I'm using it for mopping.
Roberto: I'm using it for internet!
Ana: It's wet.
Roberto: It's wet?!
Ana: It's a mop. I'm mopping. With water.
Roberto: Are you sure?
Juan: Could we use the broom?
Jose: Aha!
Roberto: Yes, good!
Keith: What is -- are you, the broom, how are you going to use it for internet?
Roberto: Just wait.
Juan: Yes, wait. He can fix it.
Roberto disappears.
Some noises are heard from the back. They go "proing, proing...PROINGPROINGPROING."
Roberto, from back: Anything?
Juan: Does it work?
Keith: What?
Jose, looking: No, still nothing. Poke it again, Roberto!
Proing, proing.
Jose: Again!
Keith: Is he just... with the broom, I mean...
PROING PROING!
Juan and Jose: Poke it again, Roberto!
Keith: Can't he just turn it off and on again?
Juan: What? No, it's on the ceiling.
Jose: The ceiling. [Points]. Up. AGAIN, ROBERTO!
PROING!PROING!PROING!
Keith: The internet... thing, has a cord, yes?
Jose: Yes...
Theresa: Are you going to eat your salad?
Keith: Then why not just... wait, what?
Juan: Is it working?
Keith: No! He should turn it off and on!
Juan: It's on the ceiling, I say. ROBERTO!
Theresa: I'm eating your salad.
PROINGPROINGPROINGPROING-CLUNK.
Juan: Hmm.
Jose, frowning: Hmmmmmmmmm.
Roberto returns.
Roberto: Dear guests, I am sad to report that the internet seems to have stopped working.
Keith: Dammitall!
Juan: Did you poke it? With the broom?
Roberto: Yes, yes, with the broom.
Jose: And it didn't work?
Roberto: I don't think so; is it working now?
Keith: NO.
Juan: Are you --
Keith: I'M SURE.
Roberto: We should have used the mop.
Exit Three Caballeros.
Keith: GAH! Why the #%! didn't he just unplug the $%^&ing thing, and plug it the ^&*$ back in again??! It's not rocket science!
Theresa: They're not computer people. They're pizza people.
Keith: Uh huh. Speaking of which, where IS our pizza?
Theresa: Not here yet.
Keith: Right. Where's my salad?
Theresa: I'm gonna use the bathroom.
Fin
Such problems were formerly ameliorated in part by Pizza Hut's free-wireless internet, recently renamed Pizza Hut's internet-free wireless. When the extent of your staff's combined IT knowledge consists of -- well, let me spell it out a different way.
POKE IT AGAIN, ROBERTO
being a new Play in One Part, by K. Thomas, writer of the mildly sensational You Have Beard.
Dramatis Personae
Keith....................1st Laptop Owner / Gringo Misanthrope
Theresa.................2nd Laptop Owner / Gringo Stoic
Jose......................Pizza Hut Employee # 1
Juan ....................Pizza Hut Employee # 2
Roberto................Pizza Hut Employee # 3 / IT Professional / Broomsman
Ana......................Mopswoman / Understudy Broomswoman
Jimbo..................(if applicable)
Setting: A Pizza Hut in Puerto Cortes. In a booth, two Gringos sit with laptops opposed. An employee watches over their shoulders, observing the Gringo in its native environment a la Jane Goodall.
The employee decides to engage the strange creatures.
Jose, in Spanish: You are using the internet?
Keith, in 'Spanish': Yes, yes, we use the internet.
Jose, nodding sagely: Many Gringos come here to use the internet. And then they buy pizza. Such is the way of things.
Keith: Yes, internet. We like internet. Is very good!
Theresa: It’s off again. [munches salad]
Keith: What? Are you sure?
Theresa, stoically: Yes. [continues munching.]
Keith: Excuse me, but the internet is not functioning.
Jose: What? Are you sure?
Keith: Yes. Look!
Jose leans in for a look at the error page.
Keith: Yes?
Jose, leaning back: That’s not good. I’ll get someone.
Keith: Thanks.
Jose returns, with Juan
Jose: Is it working yet?
Keith: …. no.
Juan: What? Are you sure?
Keith: Look!
Juan: That’s not supposed to happen.
Jose, triumphant: That’s what I thought.
Juan: I’ll get somebody for internet.
Keith: Thanks?
Juan returns, with Roberto
Juan: Is it working yet?
Jose: I don’t know.
Roberto: Is what working?
Keith, a little impatiently: Nope, still nothing.
Theresa, having finished her salad, eyes Keith’s.
Roberto, looking at the screen: Hey, your computer’s not working.
Keith: No, no, the internet isn’t working. It’s off, I mean.
Roberto: What? Are you sure?
Keith: Listen, can you just… re-… re-begin it?
Juan: Yeah, it should be restarted!
Jose: Oh, it should definitely be restarted.
Roberto, nodding: No question.
Pleased, the three smile at each other. Near the salad bar, a woman begins mopping.
Keith, making to stand: So, can I just –
Roberto: No, no, I’ll do it.
Keith, sitting: Thanks.
Roberto goes into the back.
Jose: Sometimes this happens a lot.
Keith: Sometimes… a lot?
Juan: Yeah, the internet is pretty good here. You want a refill?
Roberto returns.
Roberto: It is on the ceiling.
Keith: What?
Roberto: The internet is on the ceiling.
Keith: ... are you sure?
Juan: You have to poke it. With... something...
Juan espies the Ana, the mopswoman.
Juan: Aha!
Roberto: Yes, good!
Roberto grabs the mop from Ana, and starts walking towards the back.
Ana: Hey! I'm using it for mopping.
Roberto: I'm using it for internet!
Ana: It's wet.
Roberto: It's wet?!
Ana: It's a mop. I'm mopping. With water.
Roberto: Are you sure?
Juan: Could we use the broom?
Jose: Aha!
Roberto: Yes, good!
Keith: What is -- are you, the broom, how are you going to use it for internet?
Roberto: Just wait.
Juan: Yes, wait. He can fix it.
Roberto disappears.
Some noises are heard from the back. They go "proing, proing...PROINGPROINGPROING."
Roberto, from back: Anything?
Juan: Does it work?
Keith: What?
Jose, looking: No, still nothing. Poke it again, Roberto!
Proing, proing.
Jose: Again!
Keith: Is he just... with the broom, I mean...
PROING PROING!
Juan and Jose: Poke it again, Roberto!
Keith: Can't he just turn it off and on again?
Juan: What? No, it's on the ceiling.
Jose: The ceiling. [Points]. Up. AGAIN, ROBERTO!
PROING!PROING!PROING!
Keith: The internet... thing, has a cord, yes?
Jose: Yes...
Theresa: Are you going to eat your salad?
Keith: Then why not just... wait, what?
Juan: Is it working?
Keith: No! He should turn it off and on!
Juan: It's on the ceiling, I say. ROBERTO!
Theresa: I'm eating your salad.
PROINGPROINGPROINGPROING-CLUNK.
Juan: Hmm.
Jose, frowning: Hmmmmmmmmm.
Roberto returns.
Roberto: Dear guests, I am sad to report that the internet seems to have stopped working.
Keith: Dammitall!
Juan: Did you poke it? With the broom?
Roberto: Yes, yes, with the broom.
Jose: And it didn't work?
Roberto: I don't think so; is it working now?
Keith: NO.
Juan: Are you --
Keith: I'M SURE.
Roberto: We should have used the mop.
Exit Three Caballeros.
Keith: GAH! Why the #%! didn't he just unplug the $%^&ing thing, and plug it the ^&*$ back in again??! It's not rocket science!
Theresa: They're not computer people. They're pizza people.
Keith: Uh huh. Speaking of which, where IS our pizza?
Theresa: Not here yet.
Keith: Right. Where's my salad?
Theresa: I'm gonna use the bathroom.
Fin
